I have an infectious trait. It is called Laughter. Since a young age I’ve always enjoyed making people laugh. I believe laughter is great at forming social bonds and diffusing potentially explosive situations.

Laughter has developed in us for two, reasons. Firstly it acts as coping mechanisms to deal with events that are happing in our life that with the absence of laughter would prove difficult to deal with. Whilst certain things cannot be simply brushed off with a quick trivial laugh, it is acts as a tool that can turn negatives of many situations into positives.

The power of laughter is enormous. It stimulates the release en endorphins in our body, which are our natural painkillers. These instantly make us feel better and induce us into a state of feeling ‘high’. It is hard to conjure the image of someone who laughs regularly with others, or to him or herself and attach such words to their character as negative, depressive, dull, boring, lifeless and generally unhappy. In fact, using such words as upbeat, positive, exciting, lively and happy to describe someone you know who is regularly seen laughing is much more appropriate, and makes much more sense. This is because such traits are a reflection of the person who laughs regularly. An important message can be seen. 

A person who laughs frequently is a person who is frequently happy. (or happy people laugh)

Feeling positive about your current situation in life is something that is closely linked to the power of laughter. Conversely such feelings stimulate the desire to laugh more. An upwards spiral of well-being is created. Sustaining this spiral of well-being is easier than creating it, as both processes are perpetuated off of one another.

A brilliant exercise to set you off in the morning, which will make you feel much more positive about the day ahead, and get those endorphins kick started, comprises of the following:

• Look at yourself head on in a mirror, and force your self to laugh. Creating this laughter requires effort. Force a fake laugh, and keep it up till you are laughing for the very purpose of laughing. The first movements may seem the most difficult, but as you your smile widens and a whimper of laughter is heard, it should pick up pace, getting louder and louder as it develops in to a full-blown chuckle. As you laugh, take notice of the person starring back at you who seems to be laughing at the same thing. Use your reflection to stimulate further laughter, until your have been laughing continuously (as loud and full blown as you want) for an entire minute. After this laughing session is over, a wide smile will be plastered across your face, which should remain for some time to come. Do this exercise each morning (even try it while brushing your teeth, just not near anyone!) and you will notice that your outlook becomes more positive, and your ability to laugh more throughout the day increases.

After hearing or seeing something funny in whatever event it may be (i.e. cinema, TV, radio, play etc.)I often find myself looking around to see if my amusement is shared by the rest of the audience. If I am alone in the room watching something funny on television for instance, I will instantly try and beckon someone to share with me, what I find amusing. I suspect I am not alone. This illustrates how laughter is a great tool for bonding, in bringing people together to share a happy fun-filled experience. As a result the application of laughter in a social setting and the impact to those present is immense.

Laughter is powerful. Those who understand it, yield this immeasurable vault of raw power. However its use for causing emotional destruction must be recognized. As with all powers there is a fine line between using it for ‘good’ and for ‘bad’ purposes. Ridiculing someone in front of others may be deemed acceptable once or twice, but it can quickly be turned into a menacing form of bulling. If it unites a group of people against an individual for example, the individual’s world can quickly become unpleasant to say the least. To limit the chances of such a situation arising, always aim to laugh with others not at others. If in doubt, take on board for a moment another persons perspective and imagine how the situation is perceived by them. Always moving towards the side of caution, so that your responsibility as a human being to maintain the overall well-being of others is maintained.

Time is a vessel of sand of unknown dimensions of which a continuous stream escapes.

No one knows exactly how much time they have left to live. You could die today or in a hundred years. It is a factor that can never be known, as result it becomes irrelevant, as any amount of time is precious in itself. It is up to us to use our time wisely, productively and in a way that is the most fulfilling.

With this premise firmly in our minds here are some simple points that should help you use time in a more beneficial way.

• Never say “I am bored”. A bored person is a boring person. There is a universe out there to discover of which the tiniest fraction is enough to satisfy a lifetime of inquisitiveness.

• Watch Less Television. It is easy to spend hours on end watching the TV, because it provides us with a continuous stream of stimulation without the need to expend any energy. However it is a stimulus that keeps us inactive and mentally passive. TV is not bad. In fact it is the modern day “fire gazing” that can help us relax and wind down at the end of the day. However, the truth is simply most people waste way too much time watching TV.

• Be more creative. Try to take time out each day to create something. Your choice is limitless. Here are a view ideas to get you started:

Write:

• An article.

• A Diary

• That book, you have been keeping off for years. It is not going to write itself. Go get a pen write now!

Draw:

• A New Invention

• Your Dog

• Your Ideal Home

Paint:

• Your Thoughts

• Yourself

• Anything

Expand your Worldly Knowledge. Aim to learn about something new each day in the world around you. ‘What is happening in Sudan?’ It is not about becoming an expert or continuously watching the news. Rather it is about getting in touch with what is happening in the rest of the world. About seeing the bigger picture so that you can see that what you thought was a major issue is in fact highly insignificant when compared with what others have to endure.

]]> http://oranjy.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/using-time/feed/ 0 J.Naylor Clock http://oranjy.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/power-of-nature/ http://oranjy.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/power-of-nature/#comments Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:04:27 +0000 J. Naylor http://oranjy.wordpress.com/?p=47 ]]>

Whether I’m venturing out into the wilderness or simply taking a walk in the park I’m reminded that materialism and self obsession; the trap of modern life, leave little room for the appreciation of our surrounding natural environment.

“Natural objects themselves even when they make no claim to beauty excite the feelings and occupy the imagination.” Carl William Humble

Getting back in touch with nature may be a cliché, but its significance is far from trivial. The benefits of immersing ourselves in nature, when we can, are enormous. It allows us to enter into a world where there is no evidence of mans influence. Something we did not create, but that flourishes regardless of our presence. By witnessing nature’s immense power of destruction and creation we are able to bring our egos back in touch. There is an awe experienced in confronting the sublimity of untamed nature.

Moreover It can take us away from a world of self-imposed deadlines and targets. Inducing a calming effect, allowing us to relax, reflect and cherish ourselves.

“Let Nature be your teacher…she has a world of ready wealth” William Wordsworth.

Nature is the purist of all forms of stimuli. The most brutal and the most idyllic. Sparking thought. Kindling Imagination. Fueling our burning desires to become great.

What power do I have?

When confronted with the question “Why can’t you?” many come out with such rhetorical responses as “What can I do, I am only one person” or “What power do I have”. Whilst we have all have resorted to such notions of insignificance, wholeheartedly no one should believe they amount to ‘nothing’ which is the conclusion denoted from such phrases.

Given the task of convincing someone whilst simultaneously believing that you have no influence would not only be detrimental to your task at hand, but as a result of that feeling it would be totally contradictory to even attempt it. For that reason, having faith in your ability to influence others is intrinsically linked to the fundamentals of having ‘real’ influence. Of taking charge of your life and dictating the goals and challenges you set yourself, and more importantly of achieving them.

Can you control your Influence?

Think for a moment. Every possible thing you do has an influence of some sort when we take into account the law of cause and effect. Which links a series of never-ending chain of events to one another. Much like the Big-Bang which has been described as what started our universe 16 billion years ago. One single event is all it took, well a rather humungous one.

Lets think of the smallest action of say your great-great grandfathers dog scratching at the door, requesting to be let out. Obliging to the whim of a canine’s full bladder that is yearning to urinate in the neighbour’s garden, he decides to take an afternoon amble. And whom should he come across but your future great-great grandmother. Which leads to a hypothetical ‘you’ reading this very sentence.

Whilst I have gone off track a bit and discussed a pet’s influence on the future generations of a family, it nonetheless serves to illustrate the interesting world we reside in, and the significance of the law of cause and effect.

The above ventures more into the realms of uncontrollable influence and the unforeseen effects of this. We will now focus on controllable influence.

How do you increase your influence?

Everything you say to someone is heard, processed and taken on board. Whether it is processed consciously or subconsciously it is influential. However slight or grand these influences, they are nonetheless influential to their thoughts, emotions & actions. You should be constantly aware of this. We do have great power.

Now you ask, how do you amplify your influence?

• Your influence on others will be severely limited if you don’t fully appreciate the scope of your ability. It is your responsibility to internalise the notion that you do have influence. Say aloud. “I have an enormous power. I recognize that my affect on the surrounding environment is great”.

• In many cases the greater your emotional bond with someone the greater your influence will be. They will undoublty have greater trust in you. And will be more likely to take on board advice you give them. It is your responsibility to use your influence with care. However do not underestimate you abilities to heavily influence a complete stranger.

• Maximize your audience. The more people you reach, the greater your overall effect will be.

• If people do not remember what you do or what you say, they will remember how you make them feel.

“If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?” Shantideva

In evolutionary terms, the need for humans to experience the feeling of worry, has arisen out of the need to be held accountable for out actions and to act on situations before they get out of hand. Then and now we worried about what food we had to eat? Worried about neighboring tribes attacking us? (Or in the ‘modern’ world worrying about what the neighbors think!) Worried that someone is ill? These feeling of anxiety led us to take action, and eliminate these stressful feelings derived from worry. So we can act before we become starving from lack of food or before we are being physically attacked. Instead of acting when nearly incapacitated, it makes sense for our survival that we act when we have the chance to.

“Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!” Barbara Hoffman

Today many of us are living in a world that is vastly different to that which out ancestors inhabited thousands of years before us. Our physiology adapted to a world that was different to the one we live in now. The last few thousands years and especially the last century have seen enormous changes. Evolution does not respond to changes as quickly as we have made of the world around us. As a result our emotional circuitry system is out of date, and not ideal for the world in which we now live on.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” Epictetus

Worrying creates unnecessary stress. Can disrupt your ability to think clearly, and if prolonged can become detrimental to your health. Don’t worry blindly. Always find the root cause of your worry and act on what is bothering you. After that rationally dissolve it, by recognizing you have done all you can and as a result worrying serves no beneficial purpose.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” Leo F. Buscaglia

The following introduces you to the concept of ACT. A three part process that will help you seize opportunities that come your way. To help you act, conquer and ultimately triumph over opportunities that you are confronted with in life.

Act

Opportunities come and go. None of these will ever come to anything other than a ‘missed opportunity’ if you do not act. There needs to be action on your part. It is up to you to pursue opportunities that you come across in every day life. You yield the power to determine if plans come about, to achieve success, to become greater, more powerful, more experienced and a happier person. You have the ability to act.

You must act swiftly to get what you want from life. You must recognise that hesitation is detrimental in moving forward with your life. When you have a chance to seize an opportunity. You must Act. You must act Swiftly.“

“I act swiftly to get what I want from life. He who hesitates is lost.”

Conquer

Conquering fears, concerns, regrets; feelings of apprehension, trepidation, nervousness, anxiety and any other feelings of unease is an essential part in your success. All of these emotions if channelled incorrectly can lead to a state of mind that is dominated by a pessimistic, negative attitude. You must avoid this happening. Face your emotions head on and conquer them. Recognise that your are in control. And only you control your emotions.

Before you can conquer your impediments and bring about a change, a change in direction, a change toward an attitude that recognises that you do in fact have control over how you feel, you must identify the obstacles in your way. For example the greatest hurdle we have is fear. Fear generated out of irrational thinking. Fear left over from a time when it was needed to direct us away from the unknown. From a time when it was evolutionary advantageous to remain within our comfort zone. When venturing out of the cave at night was dangerous.

You can use fear as power. You must fundamentally change your concept of what fear really is. Fear is not what is holding you back. Fear is the trigger that is used by everyone to create excuses. Excuses that stop them from moving forward. Fear is natural, not controllable, but manageable.

“Fear is the mind-killer. I will use my fear as power.”

Recognise that experiencing these emotions is all part of living and that it does not represent a weak character. Your ability to adapt to situations that you are confronted with by managing your emotions is the greatest test of character.

Triumph

A new opportunity that comes your way may bring both beneficial and detrimental results. Your task is to maximise the benefits and minimise any detrimental aspects. Expect and accommodate for change and you will not only excel but you will triumph.

Satisfaction is the result of bringing to fruition an achievement through action. Through diligence and persistence. Through a strong resolve and an ability to strive forward in the realms of the unknown. In expanding your comfort zone, by continuously venturing outside of it.

Triumph is not…

• A trophy or a medal given to you at the end of your life.

• Manipulation, Deceit or the ability to oppress others.

Triumph is…

• Feeling great about yourself.

• Using the best of what you have to become the best you can be.

Everybody wants to be somebody. Somebody everyone else wants to be. Which is simply themselves.

Recognising your potential allows you to act on it. You potential is infinite. However all potential is idle, and alone this potential is meaningless. Turning potential into measurable and meaningful success is what must be achieved. This requires you to act so you can turn your infinite potential into raw energy. Energy that will make you grow. To grow in whatever direction you choose.

Imagine your potential is a seed. A seed on its own is dormant life, waiting to explode with vibrance. In its current state it possesses vitality of imaginable proportions. It needs to be harboured in a cocoon of nourishment so that it will be unleashed. Unleashing this potential is not constant and requires a great deal of attention. Like the seed it can brave the elements and prevail. At times it will flourish, growth spurts will come and go, but in time it can become a great towering tree.

The first step in attracting others into your social circle is being more open. Both mentally more open minded and physically more accessible.

Though verbal skills are important, non-verbal cues are just as important in determining your success. If we see these cues are words then they form the most important language of all. This language does have regional dialects, yet knows no national boundaries, spanning the worlds continents it is known by everyone whether they are consciously aware of it or not. I’m sure you have guessed what this magical tool of communication is by now. This is simply, not what you say but how your physical body acts.

Here is a list of simple, but highly effective habits you should acquire, and use whenever you are introduced to someone new.

• Make eye contact. Use the ‘social gaze’, focus on the areas created by an imaginary triangle formed by a persons eyes and nose. Don’t stare at their forehead, feet or boobs.

• Smile. No Grinning or Pouting. Just smiling.

• Initiate the handshake. How you shake hands is very important when you meet someone. For a start it establishes the power balance of the relationship, subconsciously adding to the judgement the other person makes of you. Don’t put froward a limp hand or cut off their blood supply. Hold your hand out straight, not tilted sideways at an angle. Grip firmly and pump once or twice. Adjust their tilt during the handshake so both your and their hands are held horizontal. You don’t want to come off as being dominant or submissive (which is indicated by the tilt of the hand) but equal. The hand with the palm facing down is the more dominant whereas if the palm is tilting upwards, it is more of a submissive gesture.

• Touch their elbow gently, for three seconds, whilst shaking their hand. No more than 3 seconds though. Maintaining eye contact and smiling throughout. As you do this repeat their name aloud ‘nice to meet you Jessica’. This will make the person feel important and valued. You will remember their name as you have time to identify their face with the name, making that all important link in your mind. Touching directly on the elbow is important, as touching below or above the elbow will not yield the same positive results, but instead be taken as an invasion of privacy, whereas the elbow is considered a more public place.

If these steps are implemented properly, then your impact on someone you meet for the first time will be great. You will instantly stand out from the crowd, and as a result people will be eager to continue their interaction with you. Which is essential in developing your relationship with that person.

Your cool, calm and confident attitude will make the other person feel at ease and comfortable in your presence. This is important, as their state of mind at the time of meeting you and how you made them feel will be associated with you. This links in with how they remember you afterwards.

Here is the four-step process summarised for you to internalise. It won’t take long before it all comes automatically.

• Eye Contact
• Smile
• Initiate Greeting
• Touch/Name Repeat.

Learning to concisely control your body movements not only means your more focused on creating a positive overall impression, but by learning to adopt a confident posture you will be received as that which you set out to project. A confident person. Simultaneously your internal feelings of confidence will be boosted for two reasons. Primarily as that pre-existing link that your body has between feeling confident and projecting it will be reaffirmed. Both the feeling and projection of confidence rebound off of each other. That’s to say forcefully adopting positive body language, makes you more confident, illustrating how mental processes of the mind are interconnected with the movements of the physical body. Secondly your confidence will be boosted as you notice people react to your presence differently. You are not a stuffed duck now but a social butterfly! Fly. Live.

How to create a space for yourself where you can comfortably relax.

• The first step is finding a suitable location, which you can use to create your sanctuary from the often hectic outside world. The most suitable place for this is your bedroom. Alternatively this could be a spare room, balcony, terrace, garage, basement.
• Now find comfortable seating. You don’t need to go out and buy a new sofa, you probably already have something that you can use. As long as it is comfortable it will serve the purpose. Perhaps cover a mattress with a sheet and some blankets or quilts.
• The second most important thing is ambient lighting. You don’t want harsh bright lights. The best lighting is one that you can adjust the brightness. Alternatively find a lampshade, or light which you can direct towards a wall to refract the light. Getting the right lighting is not hard, and it will create the atmosphere for you sanctuary.
• Find some candles. Candles light creates a fantastic ambient atmosphere to help you relax and chill-out.
• Buy some incense to help you relax.
• Find a small table to place you candles & incense (books, Shisha pipe). A low lying one if possible.
• You now need something to play some music. Use what you already have or you can buy a cheap CD player and some second hand speakers that will do just as good as the latest hi-fi. Find some relaxing music that ranges from soulful to chill out to slightly upbeat. Here is a list that will get you started: Budda Bar, Al green, Bob Marley, John Legend, Jack Johnson, Moby, Otis Reading, Ray Charles, Nina Simone, Coldplay, David Gray, James Blunt, Macy Gray.
• Beautification is the next step. Decoration to kit out your sanctuary can include pictures, wall hangings, postcards, statues, curtains and anything that is aesthetically pleasing. However be sure to avoid clutter. Clutter creates stress, which is not what you want.

To summarise, the following can be used to create your haven:

• Suitable location
• Comfortable seating
• Ambient lighting
• Candles
• Incense
• Small Table
• Music
• Beautification.

We all know that companionship is worth more than any amount of material wealth. Friends are an important part of what enriches our lives. We share our ideas, thoughts, and feelings with them. We express ourselves & release our continuous abundance of creative energy that constantly needs new avenues of channeling.  Avenues to be developed through our ability to emotionally bond with one another.

The time it takes to bond with someone is proportional to the depth of experience you share with that person. It is the ‘depth of experience’, not simply ‘time spent’ with another person that is the most critical factor to strong emotional ties. This is important to understand. It is about all the factors that make up the overall experience someone has when they are with you. It is about maximising their depth of experience during the time they spend with you.

The factors that create this experience are both external and internal ones. For instance internally their mood or state of mind is of consideration, whether they are angry, excited, apprehensive, focused, erratic or relaxed or a combination of many states disrupts or adds to this process. External factors are surrounding physical environment which is composed of the location, the weather, those around you and time constraints that either of you may previously have.

Whilst bungee jumping with someone would create an unforgettable experience, bonding two people closer together, it’s not something that can be done every day by most people. The same goes for other high intensity events. Even more impractical would be sharing that event with someone you have just met 5 minutes ago. Thankfully there is an easier way. If we examine what these high intensity activities do to us, then we can develop a framework to replicate these emotional processes and use them to create a stronger emotional bond with someone, which is essential in getting a person to disclose more of himself or herself.

Such activities are high intensity because it heightens our emotional activity in response to the increased stimuli our body must contend with. Over millions of years the body has developed a special tool that we can use in such situations. Adrenaline, is secreted from our glands and rushes through our body due to an increased heart beat that occurs when someone is stimulated. We become receptive, spontaneous, and animalistic. We are taken through the full spectrum of emotions. We become alive.

So now, how can we practically replicate these emotional processes and use them to create a stronger emotional bond with someone.

• Be Expressive. Both in terms of your language and facial gestures when talking and listening. Practice now, look in a mirror and learn to use your facial muscles more. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate your expressive body language by incorporating the use of your hands and arms to create visual representations of points you want to convey. Not only will this capture attention, but also your ability to speak more concisely will improve as the hand gestures can symbolically indicate the process of memory retrieval.
• Convey Emotion ‘When talking about past events talk in terms of ‘how something made you feel and not in terms of ‘factual information’ eliminate irrelevant details, but include descriptive depth, conveying as much emotion as you can.
• Open Multiple Conversational Threads. This refers to keeping multiple avenues open that the discussion can lead to, as topics may come to a dead standstill. Restarting a old or creating new topic can seem awkward, avoid this and create a fluid transition by switching back and forth, not erratically, but naturally. This keeps the conversation lively, more interesting and exciting. Whilst men generally prefer linear conversations, women tend to jump back and forth discussing a wider range of topics in a shorter space of time, often leading to confusion. Both need to compromise in the presence of the opposite sex.
• Don’t Agree. Rarely should you simply agree to what someone says because you want them to feel right, because it is easier, because you think your avoiding confrontation. If you agree with someone to often they will be aware that you either have no opinions of your own and you have a sheep like mentality or that your doing it to please them. They will respect you less for not standing up to the challenge of presenting your viewpoint. Neither should you swing completely round the other way and appose all that doesn’t fit into a set of narrow-minded beliefs you might hold. People often agree with others as they believe this will lead to them sharing something in common. With commonality seen as a bonding tool, it seems to make sense to find as many of commonalities as possible, however tenuous the link may be. Conversely if we examine this further, it’s clear that this is building a relationship on weak foundations. What is more valuable, is constructive, persuasive debate that leads to both parties coming to an understanding of each others perspective on an issue, topic, idea, subject or whatever it may be. From this derives respect regarding a person’s passion on the matter. Passion and Respect lead to admiration. Which in turn achieves our objective. Creating an emotional bond.
• Venture Beyond the Mundane. Whilst discussing the weather must be one of the most practiced activities. It is progressive for society if we venture beyond the realms of that which limits creative thought and relies on scriptured statements and programmed answers to define our use of the vocal cords in the application of human communication. Instead be less concerned with ‘disturbing the peace’ and more concerned with sharing your thoughts and ideas, placing priority on the emotional significance of them and less on the factual implications. As the latter tends to fly over peoples heads. Moreover these can be disclosed as they display more interest in your way thinking.
• Calibrate Energy Levels. This is a two-part process. Initially it means reaching a state were your pace of speech, vocal range and overall energy levels are equal or slightly higher than the other person. Firstly consciously mirroring how fast a person speaks, will subconsciously build a greater feeling of rapport in that person. They will feel that they are on the same ‘level of thought’ creating a feeling of being ‘in tune with one another’ and so forth. After this synchronisation process has been completed, and they are sufficiently interested in what you have to say, which should be the case if we consider the previous points, it is now up to you to dictate the flow of the conversation. You are able to increase the pace, become more lively, more expressive and hike up the your overall energy levels. The other person will follow your lead as they themselves attempt to mirror you, wishing not only maintain the established levels of rapport, but build on them. If you are not sure they will follow your lead, then do this simple test. Adjust your physical pose and watch them follow suit shortly after. For instance if your hands are apart, then clasp them together. If you are both sitting cross legged. Then uncross your legs. Notice they perform the same action. After raising the energy levels, you bring them back down at will. Adjusting continuously thereafter to coincide with the topic of discussion.

Here are the points that have been raised. Summarised for easy reading, so you can develop your arsenal of social skills that bit further.

• Be Expressive
• Convey Emotion
• Open Multiple Conversational Threads
• Don’t Agree
• Venture Beyond the Mundane
• Calibrate Energy Levels

I have attempted to present a variety of habits that you can develop, that should help you in establishing an emotional bond with another person. Which ultimately comes down to improving your social interactions with that person. However these do not constitute a checklist of mechanical processes that must be included. Quite the contrary, they simply act as stepping-stones for you to further your skills in this vast topic.

By including in your repertoire the above habits, you will have the ability to induce in others people a sense and feeling of a natural high. If we look at it this process of your interaction as representative of sugar levels in a person’s body, then you are their chocolate bar that surges their body with sugar, raising the insulin level, which causes the natural high. As the insulin levels decline back to normal, it will often leave a feeling of a small energy slump on their part, when you’ve left. As a result you will be seen subconsciously as that which satisfies their emotional needs.